Burning My Plow

It has been a long time since I wrote a blog about my journey.  The excuses I used don't matter the results do.  Since my last blog I have manged to put back on about 30 pounds.  It is not hard to do at all once you start slipping to crash back into an old life.  I started cheating on my diet swearing it was a one time deal......what a lie.  I missed workouts....I stopped talking to people about my journey....I just shut down.  I began living in survival mode.  Last night I heard a pastor preach on the burning your plow so there was no returning to your old life.  It struck me like a ton of bricks.  I never let go of my fat way of thinking...........I am here today to tell you I have made a shift and by my 35 birthday in January I will be under 400lbs.........What is holding you back?

Time Served

Time served is a phrase that has a distinct meaning in my mind. Today I decide that it would become my motto for life. I no longer am going to be bound by my own fear, or the opinions of others. My time has been served and I am free. I am not afraid of violating my parole and going back into bondage because I have been made free. My weight has served as the bars around my future but no more will I allow myself to be cut off from my destiny. The question is what will you do with your freedom? Make good choices and be free.........

Get Some

This morning I shaved 4 minutes off my mile just by jogging some of it.  I did not go for a time run but instead I had a tangible distance.  One step at a time I moved closer to a 16min mile. I know for some of you that may be your 3 mile pace, but I am 3 times your weight too so it is a wash. Today pick a spot and push through it no matter how hard or strange it may feel at first.  Be determined to reach your goal and not give up before you get your breakthrough........Live free and be Strong......Operation get Skinny in full effect.......

Today.....I am

It has been almost 4 1/2 months since my first blog.  I have lost 40 pounds and completed my 1st 5k.  I have also written 72 blogs between then and now about the journey.  Along the way there has been many people who have helped and encouraged me to keep pushing, and even a few boneheads who have been discouraging. The joke is on them because I am an over-comer. I have had a tremendous opportunity to get to know some other biggest loser 13 hopefuls, who remind me daily that I am not alone in this struggle.  That being said some days I think I should attend Over-eaters Anonymous because I get cravings that make me want to stick my hand in hot fudge and eat until my mouth was tired. Thankfully I know that is not the best option for me today. My family has also found a church that feels like home with people who love Jesus and are working towards a better future. Now that everyone is caught up to speed with my journey we can move forward to destination skinny (borrowed from a friend but love it).

WARNING......if my blogs sound preachy or mention the name of Jesus to much for you I am sorry you feel that way but the journey has became more than just my weight loss.  I have stirred the fire that is in my heart for Jesus and I will pursue His will with the same drive I use for my weight loss...........Live free and be strong.......

I am....

I am ______. You fill in the blank. What do you say about your self? What are you calling yourself? You set the foundation for how others will see you by the words you say.

In Exodus 3:14 God calls Himself "I AM". God know the people would know Him by that name. So next time you say "I am ...." think is that what you want to be known by.  I have said "I am fat" most of my life. I am learning now to say "My body is fat but I am sexy". I am a positive role model for change. I am an overcomer. I am able to run and not grow weary. I am a blogger. I am a speaker. I am living a life for God. I am............ What are you?  Live free and be strong.........

A walk to remember

This morning I had a walk with a new friend.  We have not spent much time together until today, it was like we had known each other forever.I felt as if I was looking in a mirror and not just because he is a big guy also. I believe it was the spirit of God in both of us. It is refreshing to spend time with someone who loves Jesus. We shared about the past, present, and future and how God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I know this is a powerful friendship for the journey he and I are both on. God is good all the time. Live free and be strong..........

I do

This November my wife Mega and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage.  She is my best friend most days ( I am not the easiest person to deal with). When I said "I do" I intended to keep that true so I had to change my way of thinking towards her and others. I had to adjust my words and actions to that of a married man who was in a committed relationship. One rule we but into effect early was we never threaten to leave each other and never, ever, ever talk about divorce. Now I can't speak for her but I am stupid and hurtful when I am mad so these simple rules have kept me out of trouble over the years. It really was "I do" not "I will try". Commitment will allow change to happen. If you jump ship when things get rough you may be swallowed up by a whale like Jonah in the bible. Life is not easy and sometimes it is down right hard but you decide how to handle it. Your words reflect your heart and commitment towards your goal. I have been on this weight loss journey for a few months now but last night I realized I have to stop trying to eat right and just do it. I will not talk about being fat but instead I will focus on what life will be like when the weight is gone. Focus on the person you are becoming not the person you were. Vision stirs up passion and passion breeds work and work brings change. Catch the vision for your life and push to your future, you are worth it........

Dry Bones

I heard a sermon Sunday about the prophet Ezekiel prophesying to the dry bones.  Dry bones that took life through the move of God on the land brought forth by a willing servant. This sermon struck me to the core because it is the same message that God has been whispering in my ear for a few months.   I have cheated myself over the years because of my weight, and more so I have cheated the call of God on my life.  My weight is my sin to bare no different than an old school scarlet letter.  I have hidden my gifts and talents from everyone around me.  I have allowed my lust for food and pleasures of my flesh to dry out the life in my bones like the valley Ezekiel was carried away to by the Lord.  The wind of life and change is blowing around us and it is time to become a people who are alive. God is calling us out of our dry place and into a land of plenty.  The spirit of God is reviving a people who are hungry for Him and not that of the flesh.  We are called to be a people of change and that change starts with ourselves.  Make change happen in your life........

still small voice

   In the bible the prophet Elijah had an encounter with God while hiding out in a cave. (1 Kings 19:9-12)  Elijah just had an amazing victory in his life but now he is hiding out from his life.  Elijah had ran away from his accomplishments at the first sign of a fight.  He begins telling God how alone he is and that he fears for his life.
  We all have voices in our heads some voices may not be as loud but it is still there.  I can only speak for myself here but I know that the inner critic in my head is just mean. I never feel good enough at anything because I hear the voice telling me I am a failure and will always be that way. With all the weight loss I have had so far I should feel good but I feel fear.  I did weigh over 500lbs and my voice reminds me of that.  The cravings are so hard to ignore at times that I can not control myself with my food. I will do whatever it takes to satisfy the craving it is an addiction. Instead of me thinking oh man I slipped up today I can work harder tomorrow the voice reminds me I am a fat failure.  So the craving is now dragging me into the dark abyss of my fears. I find myself hiding in that cave watching life pass me by looking for a light.
  God gave Elijah direction for his future and these directions gave him purpose to pursue. I believe that the first part of the direction was the most important for him and me to reach my future. 1 Kings 19:15  God told him to "GO" back to where he came from.  Go is the key to the lock of your future.  If you never leave the place of fear and doubt you can never reach your destiny.  So today turn around and start going back to your place of victory. Go back to the last place you won. Go back to the time you said no to the craving. Go back to when you had faith and trust in yourself. So today just Go.......Live life like you deserve to be free from bondage......
 

Independence day

  Independence day represents the freedom we have as a nation.  Every year we shoot off fireworks and spend time with the family while eating and drinking in some cases.  What a way to celebrate our freedom through overindulgence.  We speak of freedom but live in bondage to our fleshly desires.  We allow our desires to overrule good judgement leaving us floating from moment to moment with no real purpose or direction.  Freedom has a price and may be high but it can be obtained.  Everyone will have a different cost but to be free of their bondage. We will all pay a price.  Know your price and push to it because you are worth it........Live free and be strong..........

Walls

  Everyday that we live in fear of change we add a brick to the wall that we have built in our hearts.  This wall cuts us off from our destiny by limiting our potential.  The only person who can tear down your wall is you.  Today is your day to tear down that wall.  Take a step toward becoming the person you want to be and say no to fear.  Your fear will not stop you if you keep pushing thru.......Live free and be strong.........

Next Run

  I have been planing to do a mud run the end of July, but it looks like it may not happen this time.  All is well though because I found one a little further out in Jacksonville.  The amazing part to me is my wife wants to make it a competition between us.  We have a couple of people who have said they want to do it with us so it could be an amazing day.  The important part is setting a goal that is reachable and enjoyable.  I have decided to focus on one step at a time and enjoy the ride.  If I cheat I work harder the next day but no quitting.  We all deserve a better future than our past start changing it now......Live free and be strong..........
         For all that is curious here is the link for the race. http://www.fl-roc.com

Biggest Loser

After waiting 6 hours on Saturday I had one minute with a casting director.  I was not chosen for a call back but I had a great experience anyway.  Mega and I met the runner up to last season along with some amazing people that were in line with me.  I know after this experience that I can do it.  I also enjoyed being in a group where I was not the biggest person there, plus I am just one sexy beast dressed up....... Thought of the day......... Love yourself enough to change what you hate........Live free and do not settle

2 week notice

I quit..... The last 2 weeks I have slacked off with my training and eating and now I feel it.  It started as a day off to recover from my race and pulled back muscle and turned into a slack fest.  I missed workouts and ate like I was trying to get back to 500lbs.  Today is a new day and I quit giving up on myself.  I am back to work because I will reach my goal. Have you lost sight of your goals lately?  Today is your day to refocus on you and keep stretching for what you want..........Live strong and be proud of who you are.........

Race Day

  I weighed in at 420 lbs this morning before the Never Quit 5K.  I did not hit my weight goal but I completed the race.  I started at 9am with a thousand of other competitors for our heat.  We had a down pour on the drive to the beach but as we parked it let up and it stayed dried up until the race was completed.  I finished my run in 53:41 officially about 10 minutes faster than my training times.  I am so glad I did it now I am gearing up for my mud run in 50 days.  I will be taking a few days off from blogging because I am losing my passion for it.  I promised myself that I would write everyday until the race so 60 days later I am taking a break.  I am excited about the changes in my life that a lifestyle of exercise and good eating brings.........Live Free and Never Quit........

Last Day

Today is the last day I will be able to say I have never ran a 5k.  Never Quit 5k is less than 24 hrs away and coming on fast.  I am so excited about this day I might throw-up from nerves.  I am spending today getting my hair done like a girl before prom.  I will not be much good to anyone until after the race probably, but I really don't care right now.  I will post my time after the race......... Live free and keep moving..........

Stupid Scale

Stupid scale.......Stupid scale........I hate you stupid scale.  I do not feel bad at all for throwing you against the wall and beating you with the 7 iron.  Looks like I have a trip to the store in my future.......Live free and don't let anyone or thing hinder you....

Past

You will never be able to change your past.  What happened is what happened but you can change the way you look at it.  When you see your past as the building blocks of your future instead of the stumbling stones of the present you will be able to handle anything.  No longer will I struggle with eating because I am sad and being sad because I eat......To the future........Live free

Leg Day

   Today was my last leg workout before my run Saturday.  My trainer took this opportunity to punish me.  After 1 hour of training I could hardly walk to my truck.  I am done for the day.......Work hard, Live free.......

First Time

  My new journey has brought me to many first times.  Now many of you that know me know I will try anything once (well almost anything).  I have always said that it is only weird the first time then you can get use to anything.   My most recent first was on a treadmill.  I have been on treadmills before but never for more than 5 minutes because I felt I may die an embarrassing death.  I saw myself slipping and being thrown into the wall or worse a person so, I just avoided it.  I deiced that I could not be afraid to try it out.  I fumbled around trying to get my rhythm and stride down like I was at my first dance all over again. Then it happened I was no longer thinking about failing I was focused on winning. Every step was on closer to my goal and before I knew it I had done a mile.  I had broke the seal of my fear and pushed through.  The key is knowing what you are afraid of and pushing through to the next level.  I was not really worried about getting hurt as much as I was afraid to be embarrassed.....Today recognize  your fear and begin dealing with it........Don't let anything weigh you down......Live free

Encouragement

  The word of the day is encouragement.  I feel like the start of an episode of "Sesame Street" with my word.  If this blog sounds like an after-school special I have been nostalgic of my childhood. Encouragement should be for more than just when someone is struggling.  Most people think that you are just telling them what they want to hear and really we do just that because who wants to kick someone while they are down. 
   Today, focus on the positive things of life, encourage someone that is winning at life to push harder.  I have a close friend that has a hard time when someone tells them that they did a good job.  Praise makes them uncomfortable because they don't know how to handle it.  We need to give as well as receive encouragement and praise.  I thank everyone that has joined me on this journey and encourage you to fight for the next level.....  Live Free and be encouraged.......  It is your life. Live it.....

Fight On

     I had a thought today that made me smile and say to my self "Frank that was good."  It was very simply, your past can either be the weights that hinder you or the steps that boost you to the next level.  I have struggled with my weight throughout my life, actually it was not so much a struggle as a coexistence between mortal enemies.  Struggle would suggest that I fought the battle but I have not always cared enough to fight my enemy.  Now I am on the hunt for my true life and future that is hidden under the layers of fat.  Losing has never been acceptable to me so I have avoided doing some things. Not now, I have opened my life and mind for all to enjoy to show the fight. And honestly maybe one day get paid to share with others........Enjoy and live free..........

Rest Please

       In 8 days I will be doing my 5k on the beach.  The excitement is almost overwhelming to me.  Unfortunately, I woke up with a pain in my back that makes me want to throw up every time I reach out.  So today I have to decide either to push it and still knock out my workout, or feel like a slacker and lay up.....Decision, Decision, Decisions......Live Strong

Flipping Fun

Not sure if this is exercise or child abuse but it was way too fun. I found something that my kids could really get behind.  We spent an hour tossing this tire around the backyard just coming up with different moves to make it fun.  I am so proud of my children for their efforts during our workout.  Yes he did take his shirt off to show off his muscles like his daddy........If a 6 year old can do it what is your excuse.....Get moving and flip something........

Be Free

  With all the focus on my workouts I wanted to take a second to talk about the why.  I have always been bigger than most people but in recent years I let my appetite out work my exercise.  I have ballooned up to over 500 pounds at my heaviest because of this trend.  I realized that if I wanted to be able to take my kids to a theme park or even to a park I had to do something.  So I make slow and steady adjustments everyday to be better.  I feel sad at times because my exercise takes me away from them more, but getting in shape will allow me freedoms that I don't have now........Today I do what I have to so tomorrow I can do what I want to.......Be Free.....

Feedback

   I am thinking about adding videos to my blogs.  I am start videoing some of my workouts for others to see.  I think this could be encouraging to normal people to see a regular guy doing real workouts. I know most of the people I have seen doing workouts look like they get paid to do them. I am looking for feed back on this topic for anyone that reads my blogs.  This is me trying to be interactive so let me know something please.........Never Quit........

Hurricane Run

   I am a little disturbed by my thoughts.  Now, I know some of you may be agreeing with me that I am disturbed, and thanks for that.  Last night we had a tropical storm move in to the area and take over.  Winds and rain pounded on the house and yard all night.  The storm is still visiting the community now with cycles of rain and heat o joy.  What worries me is the overwhelming desire to run in this weather.  I want to take off in the storm and be fueled by the wind and refreshed by the rain.  The joys of being a runner……….Here is to liking it wet……

snack isle

I just don't understand why the the fat foods created by those dirty girls Little Debbie and her friend Sara Lee look so tasty.  The healthy foods just look so plain and unappealing while sitting next to those stupid hookers.  I pay twice as much for healthy food and the packaging is so pitiful.  I get sad just looking at the wrappers and want to eat a chocolate doughnut to feel better. I know that choosing healthy is better but sure is harder sometimes.  Here is to the freedom of choice and just knowing better than to buy the junk anymore.  Say no to those smelly pirate hookers.........

Superhero

       Years ago while working with an amazing youth pastor in Tallahassee I had a chance to dress up like the Hulk for one of his sermons.  This was a cool night for me and one that I will never forget.  Now I have found the next race I plan to take part in.  It is called the "Superhero Scramble" and people dress up for the race.  I have been contemplating who to dress up like.  I would like to do the Hulk again but at my size it is kinda played out.  Oh my so many to chose from not sure who to be.  Who is your inner superhero?  Live life to the fullest.......

Why

Why do I want to change my life?  Has been the question that I have asked myself since the beginning.  The answer has been as changing as my weight.  The why is more important than the how in my life.  If the why is not important enough to make you tear up as you think about it you may to need revisit your reason.  Side note on the why it has to be different than the why not.  For example, if you want to loss weight for your kids but when it comes time to workout you feel guilty about spending time away from them you will fail.  Today decided what you are living for and go all out for it......

oh well....

  I have absolutely nothing to say today.  But I promised myself that I would write everyday.  I'm sorry if you got sucked in and expected more.  Make good choices.....

step by step

   One step at a time is how you climb a mountain.  The mountains in our lives vary from person to person.  Some days it varies from moment to moment, but we all have them.  Today I began changing my view on my runs.  I have been looking at them as a means to an end.  The walks were for me to lose weight and get in better shape.  Now both of these are important but the revelation I had today is that I needed more.  I had to find another reason to  push myself out of bed and on to the road.  I am a goal orientated person I need goals to survive.  I searched for a new race to run after my 5k in 16 days.  So I am so excited to prepare for the future.  I think I found the perfect race for me but it will not be like anything I have ever done before...... Be excited about your life and future or change so you are........

Confession

Confession time..... I ate 3 cupcakes with homemade icing and they were amazing.  I have beaten myself up over this adulterous affair with food.  They were so appealing to the eye that I could not resist the temptation.  They went down so fast and easy I hardly had time to taste them.  So I knocked out a couple of extra miles of walking for my penance of the deed......  Oh well here is to another day.......

Rearveiw

    GPS is one of the coolest things that I use on my phone.  I have multiple apps on my phone dedicated to my running.   I turn on the app that tracks my distance and speed in real time, well real enough time.  This morning I was feeling discouraged because I don't see any real changes over the last week or so.  Now I know I should see change and yes it is there but sometimes when you are in it seeing the change is hard.  To help me stay excited I pulled up my past routes with speed and time and compared them.  I am going father faster every-time I go out.  This is great news for me because it shows improvement.
    I think that I am going to check into the gps/heart monitor's that are flooding the running market.  Now that I like to venture out in all kinds of weather I am going to have to stop using my phone.  Can't afford to ruin the phone on the run.  So I think it is getting close to time for another adventure to the running store. 
    Looking at where you have came from can give you strength for where you are going..........

Mind

   I have 20 days left until my first 5k ever.  Today was my long day.  I did over 4 miles, but it was still a walking speed.  It takes me as long on 1 mile as some people to do their entire 5k.  During my walk I realized that I am scarred to run to much yet.  All I could think about was, "what if I got injured trying to jog."  I am scarred that I will fail to get my speed up any faster.  I get that may be hard to understand but it is a real thought I deal with everyday.   Our minds can make something seem real even if it is not.  Take a moment and clear your mind and push through to the future...........
   

Ride

    Today I got a mountain bike.  I don't see myself on any mountains anytime soon, but I am excited about the bike.  I must confess that I feel like a trained bear on a unicycle during intermission of the circus.  I was only missing the little vest and clown music playing in the background.  The bike feels like a low-rider with all my weight on it but it is still fun.  I am excited about the new option of training and my new adventures that will ensue.......

Strike Out

   It is funny how small things in life can give you big insight into your life.  With the changes in my workouts I have been spending more time in the gym and less time walking my dog shadow.  To me this has not been a problem but for her I see it is.  This morning as the front door was opened she took off down the street.  She ran the same route we would have walked.  Now I was the one who had to go get her and every time I got close she would take off again.  She finally stopped running and came to me when she was ready.  We walked back to the house while I calmed down.  When back home she laid down and took a nap and that's when it hit me.  She needs to be pushed just like I do.  When at the gym no one is there watching or pushing it is just me, but with our walks we are encouraging each other.  I know she is a dog and has no real since of this accountability but I do and that is what matters.  I dictate what is important in my life and to my future no one else can live it for me.  We let others decide for us how to live to many times.......Today it is to strike out on our own paths.......

Extreme Living

    I have been debating on a complete change of lifestyle here lately.  I have been considering becoming a vegetarian.  I looked at vegan but would have to give up cheese and well that is not happening.  Plus I really like leather belts and a couple of cows have to die for that habit.  Now I have thrown this idea out at multiple people to get reactions and no surprise people think I am crazy.  I really think it is sad that in our current society people can understand having major surgery to remove my stomach over someone becoming a vegetarian.  What does that really say about us?   Today be extreme chase after your desires.....

Notice Given

Eviction notice: served.  My fat is like a tenet that refuses to pay rent.  It is time for it to get gone.
   Now as much as I wish I could wake up in the morning and be 200 pounds lighter I don't for see that happening.  This deadbeat tenet did not move in over night it has taken a lifetime to get to this point but I am done.  I blame myself for letting it go so long but I have always lived in the mindset of it will get better.  It can only get better if and when I change so change is coming.  I know that losing 30 pounds over 2 months is good but I also know it would take less time to put on 60 so I push.  Notice has been given to everything in my life that is draining my future from me.  I will be free from fear.  I am fat not worthless.  I have allowed  stupid people's opinions to rule in my life for to long.
  It is easy to give in and be the same as I have always been, because it is comfortable and known.  I don't know what it will be like to not weigh as much as a Prius but I am excited about figuring it out.  I know most people may not struggle with food the same way I do but we all have those inner critics in our head taking trash.  So today it is time to give them notice they have to shape up or get out.....Notice has been served.......

Excuses

Excuses....... To many people live their lives based on excuses.  They can tell you every reason they did not do something when pressed.  Like a child being asked about not cleaning their room, people spit out reasons for failure.   I will admit that when someone explains themselves to me for no reason I quit listening.  At the end of the day the excuses don't matter at all.  We either do something or we don't but excuses are only to make us feel better about not doing it.  So my plan today is not to tell why but to show how to do.....

Distractions

   I have been sick for almost a week now it seems.  I have a tooth ache that has morphed into entire life ache.  I feel like there is a power ranger in my head doing spin kicks to my brain.  It hurts to try and focus, but the worst part is I have a hard time talking.  That is true punishment for me, because all the crazy things I think about are just stuck in my head.  Training is harder than normal due to the zapping of my energy from constant pain.  Feeling good is not an option but neither is taking a few days off so I look for little enjoyments to get me trough this pain and aggravation.
   Yesterday my sister and I went on a trail hike with our boys for an hour.  It was amazing to say the lest.  Then my amazing wife surprised me with a trip to a running store to pick up my race day shirts and car decals for my 5k in 26 days.  I refuse to let being sick rob me of my joy of training.  I keep reminding myself that the goal is larger than the obstacles to keep myself motivated to keep going.  Stay focused on long term to get through the short term distractions........

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day.....

          Today we celebrate the mom's in our lives.  I am very lucky to still have my mom in my life.  My mom has always been in my corner even if I was not on the winning side of the fight.  She encouraged me to be a better person by being just herself.  She is a survivor.  My mom is one of my heroes for her strength.  I know that I was not one of the easiest kids to raise some may say I can be down right difficult, but she always had control.  Sometimes it was with a word and others it was with a hand, but control was hers.  So today MOM I say I love you and Happy Mother's Day to an amazing woman.

Pain

    Change can cause pain.  Like a child gonig through a growth spurt change can be a stretching experience.  It will teach us things about ourselves we have not looked at before.  It requires use of new or seldom used muscles.  Pain is good though it proves we are still alive.  Today push through the pain and do something you have always wanted to do.  There is no time like now......

Update

    I am currently 30 days out from my 5k.  I was finally able to track down a store that I could walk out with a new pair of actual running shoes.  I have been meeting with my escort/trainer for 2 months now twice a week.  My eating habits have changed along with my exercise routines.  These changes have allowed me to lose 30 pounds in the 2 months.  I have lost over 20 inches in total.  I am nowhere close to were i want to be but I am moving forward.  So,"No thank-you," sweet smelling cupcake lady. I will not succumb to your alluring curves.  Take time to notice the small victories so you have something to lean on when it gets tough.....It is ok to keep score......

Try

   If you knew that no matter what you attempted you would not fail.  What would you try?
I spent the morning watching my little girl play a learning game.  She loves the game but it is a little advanced for her at times.  She gets upset when she cant do it and ask for help. Now I normally help her because what parent does not want to help their children.  This time though I let her do it on her own.  She got frustrated and wanted to quit but I encouraged her to keep doing it because it would get easier.
    When she finally did it herself she was so happy.  Sometimes we rob people of their chance for real growth by doing it for them. We need to fail to learn to push through the setbacks of life.  I know that she is smart enough and now so does she.  Don't quit keep pushing because next time it will be that much easier......Lesson Learned.........

Amazing

  It amazes me that it has been 2 months since I have eaten a McDonald's hamburger.  Yeah me for that feat but it has not been easy.  Luckily for me when my decision to stay away from my addiction the one closest to me closed down for remodeling.  I took this same time to do some remodeling of my own.  Now it was easy not to eat there when it was closed but now it is open again and the cravings are ridicules at times.  The only thing that is harder for me to resist is the HOT sign at krispy kreme.  My favorite meal at McD's is the double quarter-pounder super sized with sweat tea to drink and maybe a mcdouble and apple pies depending on the mood.  That is at least 1500 cal I would ingest at 1 sitting. OMG that is disturbing that means I would need to due around 45min of cardio on the elliptical just to burn it off.
   I can't believe what it takes to get that many calories off.  I am more aware of my intake and output now so that I can make better decisions for my future.  Now you know and knowing is half the battle.......Make good choices......

All I Want

   Want is a powerful word.  It can cause men to stray from their loving wives in the middle of the night.  Kids will give up their childhood because of it.  Want not only affects our lives it can take over everything.  Want is not good nor bad. It just is.  We determine the direction of our want.  That direction sets the foundation for you life.  Ask yourself these questions......What do I want? How bad do you want it? 
     These questions will determine the direction of your life.........

33 days

    I am 33 days away from my first ever 5k.  It is an event that I will forever cherish because it is a symbol of my future.  The anticipation of that day sits before me like the dawning of a new day after a rain storm.   The struggle is I still feel trapped in the rain.  A flood of fear and doubt pours down around me like a monsoon.  I suffer from self-doubt and even self-hatred at times, but I fight on.  It is ok to have the feelings I tell myself thinking they will fade after time, but like a STD they show up at the worst times possible.  The inner critic I hear telling me that I will fail buzzes in my head like a swarm of buzzards around a dying animal waiting on the end.  So instead of giving to the thoughts and allowing my dreams to die I push on, crawling, stumbling forward to my destiny and future.

   Thank-you to all that have chosen to follow along with me on this journey, my hope and prayer is at the end we are all a little better for the journey.

Dear Cupcake

Dear Cupcake:
        I want to officially tell you that we are no longer friends.  Please stop showing up at my house and job because it is becoming embarrassing.  Yes, I know I said I would always love you.  But, I never saw how destructive our relationship was.  Please understand, I have to move on or, we will be right back to where we were before.  Listen it is me not you.  I just need to be alone for awhile.  Maybe we can be friends again, but for now I am just to weak to resist you. It is because I love you so much that I have to stay away.   Our future will be different than our past.  So I hope you all the happiness.

  Truly Yours,
          Frank
           

You are a liar

    I stand before you like a man going into the confessional to bare his sins.  Naked I stand looking for absolution for my gluttony and indulgences of the flesh.  The pound of flesh that I have worked so hard to shed weighs on me like a yoke around my neck dragging me down.  So I step to you and brace myself for your revelation for my life, but no you lie and tell me I did not work hard enough.  You say that my fat is stronger than my desire but I say you lie.  You are like the girl who said she would always love me and then, well she knows and you know.  You are a liar and a cheat.  I would destroy you if not for my overwhelming desire to have your approval. Like a kid looking into the eyes of a disappointed parent I beg for understanding and forgiveness.  What do I get?  Help...NO.....Acceptance....NO
    I get the word of a lying cheater who steals my dreams. No more will I allow you to steal from me because I am not bound by your word anymore.  I am free and I will take it moment by moment until I reach my goals not dictated by your lying cheating counters........Scale You Can Bite Me.......Freedom of Life is Mine......

Be Gone

   I found a picture on Facebook one day that said "I wear all black when I run because its a funeral for my fat."  Some days it feels like the fat is having more of a scene from "Weekend at Bernie's" than a funeral but I push on.  I wish I could lay hands on my fat like a old school Smith Wigglesworth revival casting out the demon of fat that rides my back everyday.  So I slap my stomach one more time and start moving to the next obstacle in my life.  I am an over comer. I am winning the war with myself.  Everyday is a battle of will and determination....  So decide if today is a building block or a stumbling block.   Only you can decide.....

Rant

  After my morning of repentance for my eating habits in the iron confessional I bring an insight.  This is for the guy wearing spandex shorts because he read it would make him lift more.  Sir you have to stop talking and lift to get stronger.  I promise no one cares that you went to the thrift store and bought everything that looks like "Bodybuilding" equipment.  Look if you want to impress me by your lifts then lift don't tell me about them.  I know I am judgmental towards you guy but stop stealing my time and do what you are here for.  And no Clay Aiken is not workout music, thanks for asking.  Now I will tell you that I am impressed by your passion to lift but remember passion without work is just frustrating.......Stop being frustrated........Today Do Work.......  

Party for One

    I woke to an overwhelming feeling of dread and doubt.  Doubt can kill your future if you allow the roots to grow in your mind.  This doubt was causing me to become depressed and then the party started.  Anyone that knows me knows that I love a good party but this was a party for one.  My pity party was in full swing now with Alanis Morissette playing in the background of my mind.  There was slide show of my past playing on the walls reminding me that I am a failure.  Then like your mom walking in on you when you are trying to steal one more kiss from your first love it was over. My alarm went off reminding me it was time to workout.  My workouts are not just about the physical because we are more than just physical.  We have a mental and spiritual side to focus on while strengthening our bodies.  I grow stronger everyday and in all areas so that when the demons of my past come forward I have the strength of mind to hold firm to the future.....Remember that having the party is not bad but never letting it end is.....Be Strong In Every Area Of Your Life...........

Objective Truth

  I believe that our lives are based on a very objective truth.  This truth is the foundation of everything around us and it gives structure to our lives.  Sowing and reaping is one example of an objective truth in my life that is easy to see. If I sow hard work and right eating then; I will reap a healthy lifestyle.  If I sow fast-food; I reap fat which is evident by my current body shape(round).  The truth can not be changed only how you see it is.  So understand. Don't complain.  Start living....If you don't like what your reaping change what your sowing.....Know the Truth......

Subjective

  I plan to lose 30 plus pounds by my race 41 days from now.  I know my weight lose is subjective to me and me alone. Everyone has a goal or a number in their head that they are reaching for before they are satisfied.  I had a conversation with a friend that has a goal to lose 10 pounds in the same frame as I have.(Yes I am talking about you just to be clear) Even though there is a 20 pound difference in our goal we have the same work ahead of us. We both must burn more calories than we take in.  The magic number for everyone keeping score is 3500 that is the number of calories you must burn to burn off 1 pound of fat.
   In both cases we are wanting to lose weight for different reasons but at the end it is up to the individual.  I will succeed at my goal because failure is no longer an option for my life. What is your reality based on?  How do you view yourself and your life?  Your life is subjective to your own experience and independent to the others around you but it is dependent on your effort.  Change your view to realign life to the correct position.  You are the only one that can live your life.....Make It Count....

Follow Through

  It is not about how you start it is how you finish.  I had a great man and true friend beat that into my head 10 years ago.  It still rings in my ear like he was standing beside me watching as I stack chairs all over again.  Now that being said I learned that follow through is what you rely on when no one is watching.  I want to stop watching my food and quit blogging at lest once a day right now.  The upside is that it is better than when I started 19 days ago when I started writing these blogs.  I keep telling my self it does not count unless I finish.  I have learned to set small goals through out this process so I continually complete something.  The achievements strengthens my follow through by giving me confidence in myself.  Fear is a killer to the follow through of your life.  Begin setting goals and completing them so you can have an easier time seeing yourself reach your lifelong goals......Follow Through with everything you start.....It is not how you start but how you finish.......

Control

       Control can be given or taken but either way it has to be had.  You maybe the controller or the controlled one in the game of life.  I know that I have been controlled by many different things in my life.  Food is the most long lasting controller I have ever had.  Understand though I have been controlled by women, alcohol, and drugs.(mom if you read this that is just for the blog) I met a woman today at work who was still controlled by her mom and she knows it.  In our conversation I realized it was as easy for her to stand on her own as it is for me not to every eat a double cheese burger again.  It is like being stuck on a wicked game of Super Mario Brothers and you can not find the power-up anywhere.  When the power to chose is taken away you can feel helpless.
     I am here to tell you freedom is one choice away. Chose life for you and your future.  Your destiny is based in the decisions that you will make today....... Today Chose Life...........Take back Control.......

Transparency

     My goal through this blog and my journey is to stay transparent with every area.  I know that there will come a day that writing this blog will be difficult just as I know my desire to eat a double cheese burger is hard to ignore. This being said I plan to write everyday until at lest my 5k which is 43 days away. The pushing through commitment keeps me reaching for my goal. I hope that through this blog someone will find the courage and strength to reach for their own change in their life. I hope that one day through my transparency people will begin to feel comfortable to share their own experiences and struggles. I know that this blog is a launching pad for freedom. One day I will turn these blogs into a book that will show that freedom in your life is possible and achievable for all. There is no magic pill to make it all better overnight so know you have to work.
        Today is your day for freedom........Make the changes and commitment to see it happen.......

Today

I realized that I have to live my life like a recovering addict.  My addiction is food and it is so hard to overcome sometimes.  I stopped drinking and smoking over 10 years ago but food has always been there. We have to eat to live but, I would say most of my life has been I lived to eat.  So now I avoid driving by fast food places as much as possible to limit my opportunity of getting my fix. I know that some people don't see food as being as addictive as say drugs, but if you look at the effects on the life of the addict it looks similar.  I know that I would stash cash away so that I could by food without it being on my card so my wife could see.  I would eat in private so no one would know how much I had eaten. I went out of my way to stop and get specific fast food, because even though I tried it all I have one very specific favorite one.  If I had not changed my eating habits or more to the point my food addiction it would have killed me.  It caused a struggle between me and my family because I could not physically do anything with them.  I was stuck in a hole with what felt like no hope of escape, but now thanks to some true support from certain people in my life I am seeing the way out.  I know that freedom is real and now I am living in it.  I focus on where I am going now instead of where I was stuck before.  Is the craving still there OH YEAH!! But, I at least understand that it has to be treated like an addiction.  So to today's thought is simple.....Be honest with yourself about your struggle and make the moves to get free...Today is the first day of your future.

Adjust your sights

   What are you focused on?  Living in the south everyone knows when hunting season is near.  This not just from the amount of camo being worn that you would think you were lost in Sherwood Forest with Robin Hood.  It is the smell of gun powder in the air.  Everyone and their cousin are sighting in their gun for the season.  Now no hunter would ever go into the woods without knowing his or her sights were set.  You don't want to be aiming at the biggest rack in your life and your sights be out of line because you will miss.
     Now look at your life when is the last time you checked your sights.  What are you aiming at? What are you hitting?  The beauty of it all is you can always readjust your life to reach the future you desire.  So today, clean your scope and readjust your sights to your future.  Good hunting........

Passions

   Passion is defined as: any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.  I know some of you were hoping I was blogging about the short lived soap opera on NBC.  But no not this time. If you're wondering what your passion is just ask the people around you.  It is the subject you talk the most about; whether it be your family, job, car, or even how you are going to run a 5k on June 9th. If you don't have a passion find one.  It will motivate you to go forward and push harder towards your goal.  The desire for your life should have your passion wrapped around it like a strip of bacon on a steak.  Your desire will never come to pass without passion.  Many people have broken dreams because their passion was not strong enough to get them through the tough times.  

    Take today and stir up the passion in your life. The change will come........

Dream a Little Dream

    I have always believed that life requires us to have people holding us accountable to our actions.  I mean we have built our society around this premiss.  Some may call it checks and balances but it is accountability at the heart of it.  This system only works when all parties involved understand what is at stake.  For example, I never ate a double-quarter pounder with cheese and thought it was good for me.  I made a choice to get fat as jacked up as that is it is still true.  If you speed  and get a ticket don't blame the cop, take your foot off the gas. 
Knowledge of what is expected gives us structure in our life. Structure is the foundation for growth. Growth allows you to reach your goal. Your goal was birthed out of your desire to see your dream come true.  To grow and achieve you need a plan of action.  When you start a business you should write out a plan of action especially if you need capital from someone.  Why not treat your life and destiny with the same respect and planning. Yes people are going give you their opinion and advise on your dream but it should only strengthen your resolve to reach it. Sometimes it seem like it is just out of reach but it is in the pipeline. Your dreams are becoming real. Reach for them. Adjust your life to make room for the change that they will bring........
    

Accountability

Ecclesiastes 4:12(NLT)  A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.


       During my jog I wanted to quit before I even had a chance to get my heart rate up.  I kept thinking I had better things to do other than to keep moving.  I stared in the face of my fears.  The fear of failure is an overwhelming feeling.  I wanted to quit because who would ever know or really care.  These thoughts began weighing on my already heavy frame like I had a Prius sitting on my shoulders. I slowed to a almost crawl speed with the sadness of my circumstance looming before me like a wave rising over the shore preparing to crash over me.  So I walked into the wave like it was the bringer of freedom.  The wave of freedom poured over me to wash away the fear of failure and left behind the hope of change. Change that I can see needs accountability for me to reach my ultimate goal.  As the scripture states 2 can stand back to back to keep moving through the war.  We are at war with ourselves everyday over many areas.  How much easier would your life seem if you had someone to help keep you moving toward your goal?  We all need someone a head of us in the race to give us a pace to strive for. 
      I hold myself accountable through my blog even if my words are never read by anyone they are still out there for all to see.  I am airing out all my struggles and fears for all to digest and analyze because it gives me a need to write. We all have a need in our life the rub is knowing what yours is.  Then having the courage to reach for the strength to keeping going.  So I say, spend sometime looking at your life and the people around you to answer one question.   "Who do I want to face this battle with?"  .....to be continued.....

The Trip

    I made my first visit to a local running specialty store.  The store was very nice and had everything a runner could want or need. The guys did not look at me too funny when I explained to them that I am preparing for my first 5k in June.  They wanted to help and were sure they could, but they were so wrong.  I felt like Cinderella's fat sister trying on the glass slipper.  So close and yet so far away from a shoe I could walk out of the store with.  Sadly the experience only confirmed my view that no one expects a 400+ man to run or even train for a 5k.
     I enjoy standing out and being the best me I can be so I will push.  Instead of coming home and eating a half gallon of butter-pecan ice cream like I would have before I bought new bright green shoe strings for my running shoes.  Now it is time for the puff paint. 49 days and counting............

The Challenge

Pro 25:28

A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls.(NLT)

      I began this journey with one true goal.  My goal serves as a launching pad for every desire in my heart.  It is to simply be the man I was purposed to be.  I know some will stop reading and even think me crazier than before because of this post but there is a bigger picture to life.  I read the above scripture at the first of this year and it struck a cord in my life for change.  This journey I am on is not just a physical change it is a total life change.  I desire is to know that I see myself the way God sees me.  What glory can my weight bring to God?  God does not love me any less at 450 than if I was 275 but I do.  It is God's desire to use me, but I limit that use by my weight......No More!!!
   So today is the day to start rebuilding walls and regaining control over myself.  I challenge you to take an honest look at your own life..........Make today count!!!!
  

Rain

My new favorite smell is hot rain.  Growing up in south Ga I have experienced rain on a hot summers day, but last night it was a new smell.  It was refreshing because I was for the first time enjoying the smell while on a run.  (Really I should not call what I do running but walking sounds lame in my head so from hence forth walking shall be referred to as running.) The adrenaline of 450lbs moving at a quick pace changed the smell to an aroma of success.  It smelled better than fried chicken at Sunday dinner.  So I pushed on to the fastest time mile of my new running career.  To the smell of rain I salute you.  Just because you have gone through something before it does not mean that you can not change the way you view it.......Make Good Choices!!!!

Fear Not

    With all of my jokes and crazy ideas my biggest struggle has never been my weight.  I have been over 300lbs since I was 13yrs old.  I understand that this could and does cause some skewed ideas about people and situations.  For instance, when most people talk about someone being large and what I consider large are two different sizes.  I say all this to say that I love my life and always have.  I have accomplished more than most people throughout my life by pure determination.
  This determination allowed me the strength to stop smoking 11 years ago and no alcohol in 10.  This is not meant as bragging but as insight into a life long struggle.  I love food like fatal attraction love.  This love shapes every relationship I have ever had. I have always pretended to be outgoing and confident. But, I am scared to death of what people think. I use my weight as a crutch to hold me back from reaching out for my dreams.  Fear of success is my biggest struggle in my life.  Now I know this may seem a little heavy compared to my other post.(fat humor)
   I am afraid when I lose my weight I will change.  Because, I understand me now.  This blog was birthed from this fear.  For years I have told my friends that one day I would write a book but with no real direction and tons of fear.  I just talked.  But, now I am doing.  One of my dearest friends has just published his first book, and I am so proud of him. ( Raven Cliffs by Lee Crase...there is your shameless plug brother)  But my jealousy to do is powerful.  Powerful enough to make me write everyday in my blogs.  My desire to compete in a 5k pushes me to train, while all along my fear keeps reminding me of my past failures. 
   So to my fear I say hold on because I am only getting better.  To everyone that reads this I say "Keep pushing, Keep moving, Keep doing, Don't let the fear win".........FIND YOUR DREAM AND RUN TO IT

Keep Pushing

I have 53 days until my first 5k.  I know that I can walk 3.2 miles but I want to run it.  So I push forward through the pain through the fear even through the tears.  I just keep pushing in every area of my life preparing myself for the day to make my running debut.
I spent the morning working out with my trainer and after todays workout I think he may not really like me too much.  I have never viewed 15lb weights as being heavy but that has changed.  He teaches me about humility through pain.  I work and push to feel alive.  I am learning to enjoy this rush as much as I enjoyed a double cheeseburger( and it was never just one).  Keep pushing and enjoy your life.....

The search

Disclaimer: This is not directed at any one person, so please understand humor is always my goal. Thank-you  :)
The search for what to say when nothing is there.  It is the overwhelming feeling I have when someone weighing 125 lbs gives me dieting tips as they are trying to lose that 5lbs they put on over the holidays.  Now I know I sound judgmental but I can put on 5lbs by looking at a piece of cake.  So I search for the way of saying I know your life is hard because you can not wear that top with those jeans anymore.  I get it is hard to eat what ever you want and only gain .5lbs. How dare I think you are being condescending when you look at me like a prize steer being weighed in for slaughter.  And just to clarify for all the doctors I have visited "I do know that I am overweight!".  I am fat not stupid thanks for the insight. 

Sponsorship

In the middle of my walk this morning my radio app stopped working, but because I was also using an app to track my walk I could not rest it.  Silence is not a friend to someone with an imagination like mine.  I found myself alone with my thoughts no longer did I have "Eye of the Tiger" pushing my through the next step.  I almost stopped and turned around sad and disappointed it the progress, but then as if it were manna for my mind I had a epiphany.  I want to start my own line of clothing for the athletic fat person(if that term is offensive to you just pretend I said big boned or husky).  The name of my company would be "One Ton Production".  I know it is amazing!  Really though I have spent the last few weeks going through all the sites for runners and go figure all of their models are small framed people.  Even if I lost every bit of fat on my body I would still weigh hover 250 lbs.  So what am I to do about fancy running shoes or cool clothing.  I know that I can not be the only one out there that wants to look as good in my workout clothes as the 150lb guy on the treadmill next to me.  I feel that everything I can buy right now to run in is designed to allow me to blend-in not standout like others.  I want bright yellow shoes with glow in the dark writing on them.  I hate wearing black and gray like it is the only 2 colors that there is enough of to make a shirt and shorts for me.  I may not be a pro athlete with limitless resources to people that can design outfits for me but I am a regular guy.  I need someone to take a chance on me like a pro-scout on a prospect with a questionable past.  I will succeed! I am not going to quit! I know that companies are always looking for a spokesperson why not pick someone that can be followed through the process.  It is more fun to watch someone win then to hear about it later.  If any of you are like me I am very cynical at this point in my life.  Everybody promises easy and quick and then they show you a before and after that really does not look anything alike.  My wife tells me I am an opportunist well she is right like usual. The opportunity is out there for some one to sponsor me in this journey. For all that judge me for selling my self like meat to the highest bidder I say you try and buy a size 13 6E wide pretty running shoe.....

Shadow

Shadow is my 1yr old lab bulldog mix and the best walking partner.  We went for a 3 mile walk this morning without a word being said.  I know if my dog talked to me I would have bigger issues than needing to lose weight.  In my job I have to talk to people all day and it can be very taxing on an ADD person like myself.  Shadow just waits on me to give her directions by the leash no words said. She keeps walking tired or not she stays with me.  I don't wonder if she is judging me on my weight or speed. We just walk. So next time you go for a walk or run nothing else matters just keep moving.

Trainer comparison

This thought was born out of pain and suffering.  Yesterday as I was being pushed to the point that I could not lift my arms my trainer was there encouraging me to do more.  He always has a positive outlook on my workouts.  He listens to my concerns and dreams for the future.  Now if any of you have ever worked with a trainer you understand this is common.  He makes me feel like he really likes me.  I almost forget I am paying him to be there.  And in that thought is where my crazy mind made the connection that makes me chuckle out loud still.  He is like a high end escort. Yes I said it escort. I am a very visual person so through-out the rest of my workout all I could see was the similarities between the two.  The list is to long and maybe a little inappropriate to share now.  I will say when I changed my perspective it made the workout easier. So have a laugh next time and see if the lift is a little easier.

Perspective

The way you look at something dictates how you react to it.  I realize that must people will say no duh but it is still true. Just wondering do people still say no duh.
I have a disclaimer for the rest of this blog "It contains adult themes".  I remember when this meant something but now it is put on cartoons.
All that is to say when you focus on the negative all you see is the bad.  When I think about food all I see is how good it will taste never that it will make my hips larger.  Food is my greatest enemy in a fight I feel overwhelmed in. I feel I would have a better chance with UFC fighter jacked up on PCP than a piece of chocolate cake. Stupid cake why do you taste so good.
I have changed the way I see training now which makes it more fun.  Never before did I see training as a fun event it was something I did for sports like must people. Now I look forward to my walks along with my time with my trainer.

Anticipation

Day 3 of my blog experience and 58 days until my first run.  7am workout today with me trainer.  He reminds me of the cartoon character Mighty Mouse.  I am a big man but every time we workout I feel like crying. Now this to some may not sound fun but for me it gives me a rush. I am up at 6am ready to do work. As every minute passes the anticipation grows inside of me like a storm brewing over the horizon. I can see the change coming to my life like the destruction of a tornado on a trailer park pieces flying everywhere. Today is a day of change.

The taste of running

I woke up this morning to go for my run and had a thought... If running was as fun as chocolate taste than i could do it all day. I am learning to look forward to running but I have never met a piece of chocolate I did not like.  So next time you go for a run tell yourself it taste like candy and see if it goes better.  I know it sounds crazy but sometimes crazy works.

1st post

Today is the first day of this fat man's journey to a new self.  This is not a self help blog nor is it a pity party. I am one man struggling through the day @ 450lbs.  This blog is for me to stay accountable to myself while joking about being fat.  I have enjoyed every pound I put on. I don't discriminate against food I eat it all from peanut-butter and chocolate(which has to be from the devil) or broccoli covered in cheese and butter of course.  The simple fact is one day my son and daughter will read this and know they can do anything the set their minds to.
To all that read this I say "Stop trying and start doing".
I have 60 days til my first 5k ever.  If I can do it at 450lbs what can I do at 275....We shall see.
frank