Subjective

  I plan to lose 30 plus pounds by my race 41 days from now.  I know my weight lose is subjective to me and me alone. Everyone has a goal or a number in their head that they are reaching for before they are satisfied.  I had a conversation with a friend that has a goal to lose 10 pounds in the same frame as I have.(Yes I am talking about you just to be clear) Even though there is a 20 pound difference in our goal we have the same work ahead of us. We both must burn more calories than we take in.  The magic number for everyone keeping score is 3500 that is the number of calories you must burn to burn off 1 pound of fat.
   In both cases we are wanting to lose weight for different reasons but at the end it is up to the individual.  I will succeed at my goal because failure is no longer an option for my life. What is your reality based on?  How do you view yourself and your life?  Your life is subjective to your own experience and independent to the others around you but it is dependent on your effort.  Change your view to realign life to the correct position.  You are the only one that can live your life.....Make It Count....

Follow Through

  It is not about how you start it is how you finish.  I had a great man and true friend beat that into my head 10 years ago.  It still rings in my ear like he was standing beside me watching as I stack chairs all over again.  Now that being said I learned that follow through is what you rely on when no one is watching.  I want to stop watching my food and quit blogging at lest once a day right now.  The upside is that it is better than when I started 19 days ago when I started writing these blogs.  I keep telling my self it does not count unless I finish.  I have learned to set small goals through out this process so I continually complete something.  The achievements strengthens my follow through by giving me confidence in myself.  Fear is a killer to the follow through of your life.  Begin setting goals and completing them so you can have an easier time seeing yourself reach your lifelong goals......Follow Through with everything you start.....It is not how you start but how you finish.......

Control

       Control can be given or taken but either way it has to be had.  You maybe the controller or the controlled one in the game of life.  I know that I have been controlled by many different things in my life.  Food is the most long lasting controller I have ever had.  Understand though I have been controlled by women, alcohol, and drugs.(mom if you read this that is just for the blog) I met a woman today at work who was still controlled by her mom and she knows it.  In our conversation I realized it was as easy for her to stand on her own as it is for me not to every eat a double cheese burger again.  It is like being stuck on a wicked game of Super Mario Brothers and you can not find the power-up anywhere.  When the power to chose is taken away you can feel helpless.
     I am here to tell you freedom is one choice away. Chose life for you and your future.  Your destiny is based in the decisions that you will make today....... Today Chose Life...........Take back Control.......

Transparency

     My goal through this blog and my journey is to stay transparent with every area.  I know that there will come a day that writing this blog will be difficult just as I know my desire to eat a double cheese burger is hard to ignore. This being said I plan to write everyday until at lest my 5k which is 43 days away. The pushing through commitment keeps me reaching for my goal. I hope that through this blog someone will find the courage and strength to reach for their own change in their life. I hope that one day through my transparency people will begin to feel comfortable to share their own experiences and struggles. I know that this blog is a launching pad for freedom. One day I will turn these blogs into a book that will show that freedom in your life is possible and achievable for all. There is no magic pill to make it all better overnight so know you have to work.
        Today is your day for freedom........Make the changes and commitment to see it happen.......

Today

I realized that I have to live my life like a recovering addict.  My addiction is food and it is so hard to overcome sometimes.  I stopped drinking and smoking over 10 years ago but food has always been there. We have to eat to live but, I would say most of my life has been I lived to eat.  So now I avoid driving by fast food places as much as possible to limit my opportunity of getting my fix. I know that some people don't see food as being as addictive as say drugs, but if you look at the effects on the life of the addict it looks similar.  I know that I would stash cash away so that I could by food without it being on my card so my wife could see.  I would eat in private so no one would know how much I had eaten. I went out of my way to stop and get specific fast food, because even though I tried it all I have one very specific favorite one.  If I had not changed my eating habits or more to the point my food addiction it would have killed me.  It caused a struggle between me and my family because I could not physically do anything with them.  I was stuck in a hole with what felt like no hope of escape, but now thanks to some true support from certain people in my life I am seeing the way out.  I know that freedom is real and now I am living in it.  I focus on where I am going now instead of where I was stuck before.  Is the craving still there OH YEAH!! But, I at least understand that it has to be treated like an addiction.  So to today's thought is simple.....Be honest with yourself about your struggle and make the moves to get free...Today is the first day of your future.

Adjust your sights

   What are you focused on?  Living in the south everyone knows when hunting season is near.  This not just from the amount of camo being worn that you would think you were lost in Sherwood Forest with Robin Hood.  It is the smell of gun powder in the air.  Everyone and their cousin are sighting in their gun for the season.  Now no hunter would ever go into the woods without knowing his or her sights were set.  You don't want to be aiming at the biggest rack in your life and your sights be out of line because you will miss.
     Now look at your life when is the last time you checked your sights.  What are you aiming at? What are you hitting?  The beauty of it all is you can always readjust your life to reach the future you desire.  So today, clean your scope and readjust your sights to your future.  Good hunting........

Passions

   Passion is defined as: any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.  I know some of you were hoping I was blogging about the short lived soap opera on NBC.  But no not this time. If you're wondering what your passion is just ask the people around you.  It is the subject you talk the most about; whether it be your family, job, car, or even how you are going to run a 5k on June 9th. If you don't have a passion find one.  It will motivate you to go forward and push harder towards your goal.  The desire for your life should have your passion wrapped around it like a strip of bacon on a steak.  Your desire will never come to pass without passion.  Many people have broken dreams because their passion was not strong enough to get them through the tough times.  

    Take today and stir up the passion in your life. The change will come........

Dream a Little Dream

    I have always believed that life requires us to have people holding us accountable to our actions.  I mean we have built our society around this premiss.  Some may call it checks and balances but it is accountability at the heart of it.  This system only works when all parties involved understand what is at stake.  For example, I never ate a double-quarter pounder with cheese and thought it was good for me.  I made a choice to get fat as jacked up as that is it is still true.  If you speed  and get a ticket don't blame the cop, take your foot off the gas. 
Knowledge of what is expected gives us structure in our life. Structure is the foundation for growth. Growth allows you to reach your goal. Your goal was birthed out of your desire to see your dream come true.  To grow and achieve you need a plan of action.  When you start a business you should write out a plan of action especially if you need capital from someone.  Why not treat your life and destiny with the same respect and planning. Yes people are going give you their opinion and advise on your dream but it should only strengthen your resolve to reach it. Sometimes it seem like it is just out of reach but it is in the pipeline. Your dreams are becoming real. Reach for them. Adjust your life to make room for the change that they will bring........
    

Accountability

Ecclesiastes 4:12(NLT)  A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.


       During my jog I wanted to quit before I even had a chance to get my heart rate up.  I kept thinking I had better things to do other than to keep moving.  I stared in the face of my fears.  The fear of failure is an overwhelming feeling.  I wanted to quit because who would ever know or really care.  These thoughts began weighing on my already heavy frame like I had a Prius sitting on my shoulders. I slowed to a almost crawl speed with the sadness of my circumstance looming before me like a wave rising over the shore preparing to crash over me.  So I walked into the wave like it was the bringer of freedom.  The wave of freedom poured over me to wash away the fear of failure and left behind the hope of change. Change that I can see needs accountability for me to reach my ultimate goal.  As the scripture states 2 can stand back to back to keep moving through the war.  We are at war with ourselves everyday over many areas.  How much easier would your life seem if you had someone to help keep you moving toward your goal?  We all need someone a head of us in the race to give us a pace to strive for. 
      I hold myself accountable through my blog even if my words are never read by anyone they are still out there for all to see.  I am airing out all my struggles and fears for all to digest and analyze because it gives me a need to write. We all have a need in our life the rub is knowing what yours is.  Then having the courage to reach for the strength to keeping going.  So I say, spend sometime looking at your life and the people around you to answer one question.   "Who do I want to face this battle with?"  .....to be continued.....

The Trip

    I made my first visit to a local running specialty store.  The store was very nice and had everything a runner could want or need. The guys did not look at me too funny when I explained to them that I am preparing for my first 5k in June.  They wanted to help and were sure they could, but they were so wrong.  I felt like Cinderella's fat sister trying on the glass slipper.  So close and yet so far away from a shoe I could walk out of the store with.  Sadly the experience only confirmed my view that no one expects a 400+ man to run or even train for a 5k.
     I enjoy standing out and being the best me I can be so I will push.  Instead of coming home and eating a half gallon of butter-pecan ice cream like I would have before I bought new bright green shoe strings for my running shoes.  Now it is time for the puff paint. 49 days and counting............

The Challenge

Pro 25:28

A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls.(NLT)

      I began this journey with one true goal.  My goal serves as a launching pad for every desire in my heart.  It is to simply be the man I was purposed to be.  I know some will stop reading and even think me crazier than before because of this post but there is a bigger picture to life.  I read the above scripture at the first of this year and it struck a cord in my life for change.  This journey I am on is not just a physical change it is a total life change.  I desire is to know that I see myself the way God sees me.  What glory can my weight bring to God?  God does not love me any less at 450 than if I was 275 but I do.  It is God's desire to use me, but I limit that use by my weight......No More!!!
   So today is the day to start rebuilding walls and regaining control over myself.  I challenge you to take an honest look at your own life..........Make today count!!!!
  

Rain

My new favorite smell is hot rain.  Growing up in south Ga I have experienced rain on a hot summers day, but last night it was a new smell.  It was refreshing because I was for the first time enjoying the smell while on a run.  (Really I should not call what I do running but walking sounds lame in my head so from hence forth walking shall be referred to as running.) The adrenaline of 450lbs moving at a quick pace changed the smell to an aroma of success.  It smelled better than fried chicken at Sunday dinner.  So I pushed on to the fastest time mile of my new running career.  To the smell of rain I salute you.  Just because you have gone through something before it does not mean that you can not change the way you view it.......Make Good Choices!!!!

Fear Not

    With all of my jokes and crazy ideas my biggest struggle has never been my weight.  I have been over 300lbs since I was 13yrs old.  I understand that this could and does cause some skewed ideas about people and situations.  For instance, when most people talk about someone being large and what I consider large are two different sizes.  I say all this to say that I love my life and always have.  I have accomplished more than most people throughout my life by pure determination.
  This determination allowed me the strength to stop smoking 11 years ago and no alcohol in 10.  This is not meant as bragging but as insight into a life long struggle.  I love food like fatal attraction love.  This love shapes every relationship I have ever had. I have always pretended to be outgoing and confident. But, I am scared to death of what people think. I use my weight as a crutch to hold me back from reaching out for my dreams.  Fear of success is my biggest struggle in my life.  Now I know this may seem a little heavy compared to my other post.(fat humor)
   I am afraid when I lose my weight I will change.  Because, I understand me now.  This blog was birthed from this fear.  For years I have told my friends that one day I would write a book but with no real direction and tons of fear.  I just talked.  But, now I am doing.  One of my dearest friends has just published his first book, and I am so proud of him. ( Raven Cliffs by Lee Crase...there is your shameless plug brother)  But my jealousy to do is powerful.  Powerful enough to make me write everyday in my blogs.  My desire to compete in a 5k pushes me to train, while all along my fear keeps reminding me of my past failures. 
   So to my fear I say hold on because I am only getting better.  To everyone that reads this I say "Keep pushing, Keep moving, Keep doing, Don't let the fear win".........FIND YOUR DREAM AND RUN TO IT

Keep Pushing

I have 53 days until my first 5k.  I know that I can walk 3.2 miles but I want to run it.  So I push forward through the pain through the fear even through the tears.  I just keep pushing in every area of my life preparing myself for the day to make my running debut.
I spent the morning working out with my trainer and after todays workout I think he may not really like me too much.  I have never viewed 15lb weights as being heavy but that has changed.  He teaches me about humility through pain.  I work and push to feel alive.  I am learning to enjoy this rush as much as I enjoyed a double cheeseburger( and it was never just one).  Keep pushing and enjoy your life.....

The search

Disclaimer: This is not directed at any one person, so please understand humor is always my goal. Thank-you  :)
The search for what to say when nothing is there.  It is the overwhelming feeling I have when someone weighing 125 lbs gives me dieting tips as they are trying to lose that 5lbs they put on over the holidays.  Now I know I sound judgmental but I can put on 5lbs by looking at a piece of cake.  So I search for the way of saying I know your life is hard because you can not wear that top with those jeans anymore.  I get it is hard to eat what ever you want and only gain .5lbs. How dare I think you are being condescending when you look at me like a prize steer being weighed in for slaughter.  And just to clarify for all the doctors I have visited "I do know that I am overweight!".  I am fat not stupid thanks for the insight. 

Sponsorship

In the middle of my walk this morning my radio app stopped working, but because I was also using an app to track my walk I could not rest it.  Silence is not a friend to someone with an imagination like mine.  I found myself alone with my thoughts no longer did I have "Eye of the Tiger" pushing my through the next step.  I almost stopped and turned around sad and disappointed it the progress, but then as if it were manna for my mind I had a epiphany.  I want to start my own line of clothing for the athletic fat person(if that term is offensive to you just pretend I said big boned or husky).  The name of my company would be "One Ton Production".  I know it is amazing!  Really though I have spent the last few weeks going through all the sites for runners and go figure all of their models are small framed people.  Even if I lost every bit of fat on my body I would still weigh hover 250 lbs.  So what am I to do about fancy running shoes or cool clothing.  I know that I can not be the only one out there that wants to look as good in my workout clothes as the 150lb guy on the treadmill next to me.  I feel that everything I can buy right now to run in is designed to allow me to blend-in not standout like others.  I want bright yellow shoes with glow in the dark writing on them.  I hate wearing black and gray like it is the only 2 colors that there is enough of to make a shirt and shorts for me.  I may not be a pro athlete with limitless resources to people that can design outfits for me but I am a regular guy.  I need someone to take a chance on me like a pro-scout on a prospect with a questionable past.  I will succeed! I am not going to quit! I know that companies are always looking for a spokesperson why not pick someone that can be followed through the process.  It is more fun to watch someone win then to hear about it later.  If any of you are like me I am very cynical at this point in my life.  Everybody promises easy and quick and then they show you a before and after that really does not look anything alike.  My wife tells me I am an opportunist well she is right like usual. The opportunity is out there for some one to sponsor me in this journey. For all that judge me for selling my self like meat to the highest bidder I say you try and buy a size 13 6E wide pretty running shoe.....

Shadow

Shadow is my 1yr old lab bulldog mix and the best walking partner.  We went for a 3 mile walk this morning without a word being said.  I know if my dog talked to me I would have bigger issues than needing to lose weight.  In my job I have to talk to people all day and it can be very taxing on an ADD person like myself.  Shadow just waits on me to give her directions by the leash no words said. She keeps walking tired or not she stays with me.  I don't wonder if she is judging me on my weight or speed. We just walk. So next time you go for a walk or run nothing else matters just keep moving.

Trainer comparison

This thought was born out of pain and suffering.  Yesterday as I was being pushed to the point that I could not lift my arms my trainer was there encouraging me to do more.  He always has a positive outlook on my workouts.  He listens to my concerns and dreams for the future.  Now if any of you have ever worked with a trainer you understand this is common.  He makes me feel like he really likes me.  I almost forget I am paying him to be there.  And in that thought is where my crazy mind made the connection that makes me chuckle out loud still.  He is like a high end escort. Yes I said it escort. I am a very visual person so through-out the rest of my workout all I could see was the similarities between the two.  The list is to long and maybe a little inappropriate to share now.  I will say when I changed my perspective it made the workout easier. So have a laugh next time and see if the lift is a little easier.

Perspective

The way you look at something dictates how you react to it.  I realize that must people will say no duh but it is still true. Just wondering do people still say no duh.
I have a disclaimer for the rest of this blog "It contains adult themes".  I remember when this meant something but now it is put on cartoons.
All that is to say when you focus on the negative all you see is the bad.  When I think about food all I see is how good it will taste never that it will make my hips larger.  Food is my greatest enemy in a fight I feel overwhelmed in. I feel I would have a better chance with UFC fighter jacked up on PCP than a piece of chocolate cake. Stupid cake why do you taste so good.
I have changed the way I see training now which makes it more fun.  Never before did I see training as a fun event it was something I did for sports like must people. Now I look forward to my walks along with my time with my trainer.

Anticipation

Day 3 of my blog experience and 58 days until my first run.  7am workout today with me trainer.  He reminds me of the cartoon character Mighty Mouse.  I am a big man but every time we workout I feel like crying. Now this to some may not sound fun but for me it gives me a rush. I am up at 6am ready to do work. As every minute passes the anticipation grows inside of me like a storm brewing over the horizon. I can see the change coming to my life like the destruction of a tornado on a trailer park pieces flying everywhere. Today is a day of change.

The taste of running

I woke up this morning to go for my run and had a thought... If running was as fun as chocolate taste than i could do it all day. I am learning to look forward to running but I have never met a piece of chocolate I did not like.  So next time you go for a run tell yourself it taste like candy and see if it goes better.  I know it sounds crazy but sometimes crazy works.

1st post

Today is the first day of this fat man's journey to a new self.  This is not a self help blog nor is it a pity party. I am one man struggling through the day @ 450lbs.  This blog is for me to stay accountable to myself while joking about being fat.  I have enjoyed every pound I put on. I don't discriminate against food I eat it all from peanut-butter and chocolate(which has to be from the devil) or broccoli covered in cheese and butter of course.  The simple fact is one day my son and daughter will read this and know they can do anything the set their minds to.
To all that read this I say "Stop trying and start doing".
I have 60 days til my first 5k ever.  If I can do it at 450lbs what can I do at 275....We shall see.
frank